Yeah! I don’t think I want to continue this faith thing

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I just have to be very sincere and honest with you all, I just can’t hide it anymore. I am sick and tired of this whole faith thing and Jesus road travel. Just stop the bus, I need to get down; whoever is driving this bus needs to stop

Yeah I know how you feel, I understand because even I felt so some few months back. I remember waking up one morning to several questions plaguing my heart and no answers forthcoming.

I mean, don’t you sometimes have questions popping up in your heart about Christ? Like what if he isn’t really in existent and we are all just beating against the wind. Most importantly, if he exists then why do bad things keep happening to me? If Jesus loves me as he claims why can’t he just wave a wand and everything will just be fine-freedom from self and flesh, I can get the best love story, travel the world, roll around in cash and have fun with my girls. I don’t see why not

Alright fine let’s say he exists but I am just tired of going over the same struggle over and over! I have been struggling with lust, porn, masturbation….you don’t understand, I can’t even watch a movie for 30 seconds without knowing exactly which scene sex is going to take place, a brother won’t pass by without me imagining how good he is on bed, and that fine sister in the choir, whenever she sings I just feel like holding her lips for long.

I know you think am abnormal. Cause I speak in tongues, chant in the Holy Ghost and handle the microphone so charismatically that every lady in the building and potential brothers just want to make me their own

How do I live with the guilt knowing that help won’t come sooner and Jesus probably doesn’t want anything to do with me? I think he hates me already because I keep nailing him at the cross over and over. The Holy Spirit is gone from me

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You see that illustration above? That is exactly how you feel. Well, to be more precise it is the written version of the cries of many daughters and sons in the kingdom who are burned to the core, tired and worn out, pulled down by the stronghold of sin and deceit of the devil and seeking for the face of the lamb.

It may not be fleshly struggles because I want to believe that if you have been following this blog and the series being churned out on weekly or daily basis, you should have gained some ascendance into the personality of Christ. As such, It could be getting it right in relationship, sickness, depression, disappointment and every struggle the world scares us with

I tell you, help has come to you now all the way from Zion….you could be in any part of the country reading this, and come from any race and color. In Christ, our struggles and victories are the same. No one person has it all; we all struggled at some point in our Christian faith. Yes, there were times during my years in the university when I just felt like leaving the faith, I felt I had disappointed God and he didn’t just want to have anything to do with me.

Breaking news though, I loved God too much and couldn’t bear to just walk away with my box in one hand and gifts in the other. Have you ever had a breakup while still in love, I mean deep in love “as in o deep” kind of love. Yeah, that’s the worst breakup experience.

There are times you just pick up your phone, scroll through your call log and inbox. You just sigh and feel like dialing their number to ask why they broke up with you. That was exactly the phase I was passing through with God then. To break up or not break up. I know baba was just somewhere shaking his head and probably wondering when I will hear the voice of the lamb saying come to the throne of grace to obtain mercy.

Yes, the throne is called grace because the one who sits on it is grace personified. Regardless, mercy flows from it to all who are helpless and downtrodden.

This my roommate then, when I had told her of my struggles said to me: “the forgiveness you seek, is it yours?”

I said “no”

“What is she even talking about? I can’t even forgive myself”. I wondered

She asked again, this time more sternly, I felt she lacked emotions but at same time a strong conviction awakened me from the beds of stupidly and self pity

“Why then do you deny yourself the privilege of a free gift?” she looked at me, tear clouded eye.

Did you see that?

Still don’t get? Let’s chat a little more. I will tell you a story

There was a fine young woman gladdened front and back with the best assets any woman would likely possess. She was downright beautiful that men didn’t think twice to spend on her; she had the connections and the money.

One day, strolling through time and about her daily escapades, she met a fine young man at the table with some highly placed men, some of whom knew her reputation and may have patronized her at night.

The young man looked up and asked her name, all she could do was cry and wet his feet with her tears. What was in his words that made her break down you might ask? It was love and affection.  Miss nameless hadn’t felt that much genuine love from the lips of any man.

For every man that knocked her door wanted one thing, to sample her dignity and ravage her body leaving her feeling more messed and alone. Here was a young man defending her in the council of men who thinks she deserves it not.

When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee’s house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume.

As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

Luke 7:36-50 (NIV)

Peep Jesus’ reply

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 

You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.  Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown.

I ask you now what are you afraid of? Why do you deny yourself the privilege of refreshment at the feet of the master?

Do you know what I told the father then? The moment I realized there was no life without him. I simply cried out in the most desperate way possible “lord, we die here ooo, infact I don’t care how you wish to do it but just set me free. I am tired and worn out, with no place to go. So it’s either you take me as I am and start afresh with me till I look just like you or you take my life”

I know it’s not your normal type of prayer but that was the only prayer this young woman could make at that time. It was the only way I knew to tell him of my helplessness. It is still the way I talk to him till date. I know what you are thinking “precious is not normal”. Sis, I am not your normal type of Christian girl oo.

Either I get God for myself away from pity party or I die in his hands. The devil can’t be messing with my mind; I am not giving him that chance to leverage on my weakness.

Osheyy! devil, my weakness is not up for exploit because I am walking in powerrrr. Hope you feel me or you want me to sound it with a loud speaker. You shaa know I don’t mind you bleeding from both ears.

Yeah! You keep messing it all up, up today and down tomorrow. But hey! The master isn’t complaining, yes, he’s sad that you are yet to take hold of the hems of his garment and walk in freedom from all he paid for at the cross. Yes, Paul looks down from the heavens and weeps knowing that he travailed in childbirth for Christ to be formed in you but see where you are still

I imagine Paul groaning like a pregnant woman in labor, pulling her hair out and yelling her husbands’ name. Funny how some women cuss out at their husband while in labor. They say nasty and funny things like “don’t ever touch me again” I won’t ever get pregnant ever again “lol

The moment she beholds the face of her baby, the pains are washed away like mud by a heavy rainfall. Christ has paid it and he desires that you enter into your rest. Yet, he hasn’t and won’t give up on you. He won’t stop till you look just like him. Those voices you hear, you have to shun and step into divine intimacy with God. God isn’t angry with you.

The weakness you feel is normal but if it continues for long then am sorry you could be giving the enemy an upper hand.

You are tired of this faith journey? not a problem. Don’t forget the help provided for you

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Precious Oli

My name is Precious Jewel Oli. I am a graduate of Linguistics A lot simpler summary of me would be a God chaser, Minister, Writer and entrepreneur. I am a Nigerian. I absolutely love cooking (edible and spiritual foods) so most times you might meet me with a jotter and a Biro, some good music or sermon is an addition or better yet tucked under my blanket at my leisure times. I am learning to love my quirks and minister to the lives of others in order to for them to see themselves through the lens of God

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