I sat on the edge of my bed, my duvet pulled close to my waist to cover what was left of my dignity. My waist felt a little pained and my bed was wet including my whole body.
I tried to collect my mind together. The morning did not feel right. The day was fully awake and the birds chirping joyfully. Even my noisy male neighbor had turned his stereo to a higher volume than usual. He must be trying to get back at me as he promised after I confronted him on his loud parties and numerous girlfriends whose mourns raided my room each night.
There were nights where I struggled to concentrate on my new book or even read my bible because of the stupid noises and dirty talks I perceived from the room. On some days, it was cigarette smoke. Frank always said the lord might use me to liberate him and turn him rightly
I chuckled at the thought at first and murmured under my breath
“Emi change this lousy man, the soul that sins shall die biko”
“But the death of Christ is for one of those, one for all” he looked at me each time rubbing my palm
My rent was not due yet and besides I was not going to run away from the best apartment close to my office because of a man who has sold himself to sin. I had since cut down all contacts with my parents after they tried to lure me into marrying one of the sons of the commissioners who needed to seal their age long relationship with marriage and that meant cutting off every source of financial assistance.
They made it clear that day that I was on my own, not like they were ever there for my emotional needs asides the huge sum they threw at my face. It was safe to say they sponsored all the abortion I ever carried out for Buchi, about 6 of them.
My experience spurred me to pray for my unsaved neighbor coupled with the rebuke I received from the lord for judging another but this morning I sure needed that prayer myself. My body felt distant and disgust was an understatement: I felt terrible
“What really happened?” I asked nobody in particular
“Lord not again please”
I did not want to admit the worst; there was only one thing that could have happened last night
And then it began to come together like puzzles side by side: I walked into my one room apartment very stressed and knocked out to the bones.
The events at work was hectic, so many brethren to be counseled on the issue of addiction. I remembered how they had cried as each of them told their story. Each of these persons came to know me through different platforms where I shared my story on how addiction almost ruined my life. My story remains a trigger each time
My room was in a mess when I walked in and I was definitely not in the mood to clean it, the evidence of that and more lay before my bare eyes. Pile of clothes folded on one corner of the room, the dirty plates I had eaten with last night lay face down and then the flies that made buzzing sounds around my already filled waste basket reminded how dirty I lived my life.
I kept trying to recall what actually transpired in my room. Trying hard to put the piece together
I looked and saw my bible and jotter with pen by my side. Yes, I was actually trying to study the word of God for the ministration I had today with the singles on the topic: “Honor God with your mortal bodies”
My phone immediately lit up with a message as if to solve my curiosity; it was Buchi
“Thank you for last night, you still brought your A game on as usual”
“Also, I am sorry you did not enjoy the experience so much, I guess the drug was too strong. Perhaps Another time babe”
Immediately it struck me strongly like a tsunami, I felt my skin crawling and suddenly tears like a river. It became so clear now.
I did not even know when I let out a scream and slumped on the floor. My eyes glued to the ceiling as if to find the answers there
“No, not again Lord” I cried and pulled the duvet over my head
I slept with my cousin again
It all started on that Wednesday afternoon. He raped me. I had just returned from boarding school, dad dropped me off and drove off as usual leaving me alone with my cousin who coincidentally come back from the university
Tears were my meal that day and cursed him to the ground but subsequently he led me into thinking that there was nothing wrong with the act and that we were not closely related.I was young and stupid and bought his lies.
It gradually because a norm for us whenever our parents left the house, I looked forward to it more than him and often bought condoms ahead and took pills to wash away our guilt that tugged my conscience each time
Soon, my results in school began to diminish. I always felt something was wrong with me but Buchi deceived my 13 year old self into believing our actions were normal
He was 7 years older than me and as handsome as the sun. He was 6’2 inch tall with thin musculature that betrayed his masculinity but graced his appearance and a well cut face that enhanced his eyebrows accentuating his clean cut. His red lips always called for attention
He took my virginity and made me addicted to sex with him. The first man I ever thought I loved
At one time, it was like a routine. No, it became a habit for us like married couples. He ravaged my body like a dog
Thought of telling my parents crossed my heart but none was available and besides who would believe that my innocent faced cousin would ever perpetrate such evil not with is long chaplet around his neck. he would sure make me look like a liar and my fears were proved when I made an assumption for my mum who gave me a slap and dismissed my accusations; I lived with my cross
Then, I found Christ at an Easter conference a friend dragged me to and that was the end of the sinful affair with him.
At first, when I told him, he threatened to kill himself and then graduated to blackmailing me with a sex tape he made of us which had him cropped out and all that.
The sex tape never saw the light. It was all lies to hold me down
How did I get myself into this mess again?
I remembered it all, Yesterday, someone banged at my door by 11pm and on opening the door,it was him. He claimed that he was just coming back from a crusade close to my house.
I had since moved out and lived very far from the house.
The day he shared his salvation story with me was a big joy for me as I thought God had finally delivered us both after my attempt to lead him to Christ failed
The event of last night definitely proved it was all lies
I slumped on the floor again in tears almost as another text came in
“Baby, I am coming to pick you up for your ministration in Church. Let’s save fuel”
It was Frank, My fiancé. He knew my story and we started courtship last two months, hot urine escaped my bladder
I couldn’t help myself and kept on crying trying to remember how I would have given in to Buchi my cousin, I would never do that, I should have fought him
“Never, I cannot live with this shame” I cried over
The familiar knock on my door brought me back to earth. I knew that knock. It was frank
“How do I face him now?”
I let out a cry as soon as I opened the door, I could not look him in the eyes at all
“I am sorry frank; it happened again, I don’t know how” I said kneeling before him like a dog who was about to lose it’s owner
“It is okay, what happened?” he asked as his doe eyes pierced my teary face
“Buchi ……….” I narrated everything that went down
He held me strongly and hugged me tight assuring me of his love. It was strange.
“I understand what happened, it is not your fault” he said
“I saw it all but I love you still, I have forgiven you”
“Ho……..” my lips parted to form an O of surprise
“Buchi sent me a picture” he said as if to clear my confusion
“Thank you for not hiding from me” he smiled stroking my hair
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
A lot of us hide away from God at the slightest sin.
Hiding from him only gives the devil a foothold over your life. Are you hiding because you think the lord does not know what transpired?
He does, He saw it all; his nature is all knowing and Omni present but he asked me to tell you today
“I forgive you and your sins I remember no more”
He says “come to me Daughter, come closer Son”
He cries out “My blood was shed for this very purpose and I can make you clean again”
Will you step away from that hiding place and come to him today for mercy and reconciliation
Your sins are not too heavy for him, there is provision made for you. We are justified by his blood