This night was the height of it; I was not going to have any of it at all. My patience has run out.
Hubby sat at the edge of the bed hands clasped together. He stared at me blank facedly but with so much hidden emotions. I knew he had words to say but I was not ready to listen to any of it. We both sat side by side staring at the ceiling and then at each other. Part of me longed to speak to him. The obstinate part of me wanted to prove that I could hang on to my request.
It was either he bowed to my desire or we called quits on this whole union.
“I want a divorce” I said again; this time more cold heartedly. Even I got scared of my cold emotions. All that mattered was to scare him enough to give in but his all cool attitude infuriated me more
“How can you say you love me so much yet cannot fulfill all my requests”
“your love is a lie” I rambled on without a space for him to speak at all”
“Honey, can we talk?” he finally managed to say after few minutes of my raging madness. Like a gunshot, my voice skyrocketed through the roof again.
“You ought to know I love you too much, I gave myself for you” he said gently for the third time when my voice had come down.
The reassurance of his love was not enough to keep me sane. There was so much sadness written all over his face, I know he wanted to engage me in conversation but that was the last thing I wanted. A wave of repulse and disgust overwhelmed me. It was like I did not even know myself anymore
Our memories began way back before these quarrels, Hubby had found me at the point when life trampled on me and almost quenched my breath. He picked me up and cleansed me.
I remember, just like yesterday; that one time he fought a band of robbers to rescue the money they had stolen from me and I remembered how he had added more to it when I cried out for days.
What was wrong with me? Why can I not understand him at this point?
My heart broke when I saw him try to wrap his arms around me and pull me into a hug. As soon as our lips came in contact, I felt his heartbeat and discovered the much harm I had done to his feelings
On the perfect will of God
Our relationship with the Holy Spirit is so, he is a person and we all fail to acknowledge that as well as the fact that he has emotions which is one of the characteristics of the spirit of God.
As a younger believer, there were times when I needed something form God and each time my requests were denied or not completely met, I would kick up a fuss and for days stay away from God.
Funny enough, I forgot one important detail about God: if he answers my prayers, he is God and if he declines he is still God. As I realized that, it has helped me grow in faith and trust God more
“I pray because I cannot help myself, I pray because I am helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time; waking and sleeping. It does not change God, it changes me”
I have seen lots of believers who start or end a prayer thus: “lord if you don’t answer this prayer then you cease to be God and I would not serve you again and xyzbhjky”
Excuse me honey, who are you to threaten God? The worst is that each time you do that the more you chase the Holy Spirit to the corner. You shut him up from speaking to you concerning the perfect will of God.
Believe it or not, the lord has a permissive and a perfect will. Which one would you choose?
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12: 2
There is one person I know who hardly waits to understand why God gave a particular instruction or moving her towards a seemingly difficult position; that person was me. Even till this year, I still followed my own will and believe me, the repercussion was painful.
All along, it tugged my heart that I was not doing the will of God but I tried to walk myself into a word I received which was never a go ahead (hearing the lord can be tricky especially when your heart already has its own expected answer).
You know those times when a verse jumps into your heart as you pray. You quickly jump with that without further clarifications, the human heart is like that. Be careful during those times.
Read : The battleground
Only a sensitive and obedient heart can decipher the code of the mystery of the instructions of the lord and obey him without complaints
When God said to Adam, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die”
Genesis 2: 16
God did not mean: “if you eat a little bit of it, you won’t die,” or: “if you eat it only once, you won’t die,” or: “if you have a good excuse, you won’t die.” He meant: perfectly obey this command, or you die.
Jesus said, “You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect”
One of my pastors said and I quote “when God does not send you on a journey, you will pay your transport fare” Funny but truthful illustration.
I choose his perfect will because that would enhance my growth and trust in him. His perfect will can bring me into stronger and closer fellowship with him
As a stronger believer now, one assurance I have in all humility of heart (for we are all humans) is this: whether the lord answers my payers or not, I would still serve him and I mean it. There are even times when I forget to make my own prayers and instead pray the will of God.
How can you pray the perfect will of God if you kick up a fuss or threaten God all the time?
Read : This Girl is on fire
The truth of the matter remains that if you sincerely sit under God or locked in his embrace like a suckling baby, you would understand why he said no at that time or said wait at this time and he would not leave you empty. Most times, he gives you instructions on what to do at a given time.
Engage the Holy Spirit; he is always ready to help us pray the mind of God. In praying his mind, our prayers are answered without struggle. The lord knows we have these needs even before we asked him
His arms are still open wide to hug us tightly and wipe our tears. In his hug we find embrace and comfort
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